♥Friday, November 2, 2007

我的缺点

Nobody is perfect.
Every single one of us out there has impefections.
Sometimes you don't realize it, and it has been bothering people for a long time.
I don't know, recently, i came to realize that i have a lot of impefections in me. Impefections that i think its perfectly fine to have but people out there are a bit pissed with all these impefections.

Well, i noe i have these impefections. Yes, thank you for constantly reminding mi that. But why can't people just try to really accept who i am. Could all these people be more understanding? It is not that i dont want to change, sometimes all these is to protect urself, for self defense.

I admit i am a very selfish person. I think about myself all the time.
I think about how i can enjoy, how i can make more money. How i can organize outings and my time in such a way that i will benefit the best. I will also think twice before helping people, does this person really need my help? Or is he just bossing me around? If i do this, will i be doing double work? If i lend him this thing, will i have it back in its original condition?
Even when thinking of the future. Its all abt me, me and me.
I have plans for setting up a family in the future (just me and my parents), i have no intention to get married and have kids because i am too selfish. I don't want to hold any responsibility to anybody. I don't wanna be tied down. I want my own freedom. My own private space.
Yes, i am a selfish person. But i think i am better than some of you out there who back stab people, i am definitely better than those liars and cheaters. I dont intend to get married. But i also don't intend to go for prostitution. I dont intend to cheat or rape any girls or be a two timer.
So seriously, i dont know why there are still people having problems with my selfishness.

Yes, my face will turn really really black when i am tasked to do things that i don't like to do.
My face will turn black when i feel that i am being bossed around.
My face will turn black when i feel that am not respected.
My face will turn black when i am forced to do things (esp the things i don't like to do).
Well, i guess nobody will feel good when they are met with the above situation right. Just that they don't necessarily show black face.
Just because that i am small size and i seem weak physically. And i am always smiling and bubbly most of the time, doesnt mean that i dont have the right to show black face.
I just dunno why whenever i show black face people will be like so damn pissed off with me lor.
I might be weaker than some of you in some areas, that doesnt mean that you can show black face and i cant.
Moreover, if i act like very happy happy like that when i am actually very pissed and angry i will feel that i am a very fake person lor.
Showing black face is also a way of protection. To show some insensitive people when to stop their nonsenseand to show people that i am serious about something i said when people think i am joking.

I tend to isolate myself in a group when i find that i cant clique with anyone in that group. When the usually very talkative me stopped talking and start daydreaming, people will come over and ask me whats wrong. Most of the time, i dare not answer these questions.
Whats wrong? Seriously?
Well, i cant clique with you. So i don't wish to talk to you.
The topic u guys talking. No comments. Nothing to say.
Or sometimes, i just wish to stopped talking and do abit of daydreaming.

Sometimes, i think that my childhood character still leaves inside me. That i havent fully evolve into the person i want to be.
Those who know me well will noe that i am a very 自闭 person when i was a little kid. I have very feel friends. I will only talk when necessary. During lessons, i will be afraid most of the time. Afraid that the teacher will ask mi to read some passage in class or ask mi some question.
Hard to imagine that i am those kind of children right.
In fact i wasnt well liked by a lot of people. Sometimes, as a kid, i even think that my parents hated me. Among my cousins, i think i am the least favourite out there. As a kid, i already got some of these "girly" character, i think thats why people hated me so much ba. They think i very weird. Haha.
Maybe thats why even until now, when i started opening up, some characters in me still never change ba. I want to protect myself. I dont trust people easily, and will have a protective layer around me most of the time.
However, if you win over my trust, i can guarantee that i will make a trustworthy, loyal and good friend.
Maybe thats why i have so many best friends but almost no hi-bye friends.

I still lack confidence in myself.
I think i will continue to doubt myself and my ability to do things for sometimes.
I already have so little confidence in myself le, how am i suppose to have confidence in others?
Plus, stepping into society is a really cruel thing.
It makes u realized how ugly this world is.
At the same time, i makes you realized that you are also not as beautiful as you think you are.

缺点,
everyone has it.
I think the important thing is why you have it.
How you want to improve one it?
If you want to keep them, why?

Right now, i am perfectly okay with my 缺点.
Dont intend to do anything to change them for now.
Unless i find a really gd reason for me to do so.

Just remember.
Must 对得起自己的良心.
Have your own set of principle and stay firm to it.

Well one of mine is this:
I will never do things to others, if i don't want others to do the same thing back to me.

I will also like to thank all my frens out there whom i like to officially name 贤豪帮. Haha.
These are the trustworthy friends that i have said earlier. Thank You for sticking with me all these while.
These people include:
All members of Zhui Xing Yi Zu.
All members of 5sis3.
Terri
Christopher
Liyanna
Mingyao
Yiliang
Shuan Toh
Yong Hui

And i thank God everyday, for not isolating me. And being such a trustworthy guardian. Thank you, Lord.

Xian Hao

Labels: XianHao's Weekly Journal

8:51 PM

# Charlene
# Jiayan
# Janet
# Sharon
# Vivien
# Xianhao
# SeReNe
# Lydia


Together.we.are.5sis3. =pp

LyRiCs//*

☆:
如果海会说话
如果风爱上砂
如果有些想念
遗忘在漫长的长假
我会聆听浪花
让风吹过头发
任记忆里的爱情
在时间潮汐里喧哗
非得等春天远了夏天才近了
我是在回首时终于懂得
当阳光 再次
回到那飘着雨的国境之南
我会试着把那一年的故事
再接下去说完
当阳光 再次
离开那太晴朗的国境之南
妳会不会把妳曾带走的爱
在告别前用微笑全归还
海很蓝 星光灿烂
我仍空着我的臂弯
天很宽 在我独自唱歌的夜晚
请原谅我的爱诉说的太缓慢
当阳光 再次
回到那飘着雨的国境之南
我会试着把那一年的故事
再接下去说完
当阳光 再次
离开那太晴朗的国境之南
妳会不会把妳曾带走的爱
在告别前用微笑全归还



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